Miasto z którego nie potrafię odejść.

Miasto w którym się duszę

Miasto za którym tęsknię gdy mnie tam nie ma

Miasto które jest tylko hologramem dawnych wydarzeń

Miasto duchów.

In my restless dreams 

I see that town 

Silent hill

U promised me you’d take me there again someday

But u never do

And so I wait

Wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness 

Everyone changing, everyone evolving, everyone going down their own path, everyone finding their identity. Everyone leaving. I cried my eyes out going home after the meet up, I’ve felt it so many times before. People dear to me to whom I’m not dear to anymore. I feel as if I lived my life already. The nostalgia eating me up from the day I was born. Girls who have seen ME. They fking grew up with me. We were discovering who we were together. We saw each others every phase. 

“I wish I was special

But I’m a creep

I’m a weirdo 

What the hell am I doing here?

I don’t belong here.”

I feel alone here, so I long all week long to come back. I come back and the ghosts won’t leave me alone. They haunt me they haunt me they haunt me

Stop, make it stop

Always the one asking to hang out, always the one wanting to keep in touch. A beggar for past friends’ time. The one living in the past, the one not being able to move on from our history. The one waiting patiently for them to write first after realising that they never do that. A deep need for connection, one that’s unbreakable. So many years together and then slowly loosing them while trying so hard not to let them go.

Why is it that I’m always the one being left behind? Why is it so easy for everyone to leave me? Am I not worth it? Am I not worth of deep connections? Why am I always feeling so much? 

‘No one is ever going to want me’ Giles Corey 

It’s funny that I was about 14 years old listening to this. Always trying so hard to fit in. Dreaming about people and certain situations. 

I’m still just that little girl trying to find herself, trying not to drown in her negative emotions. Am i going to be longing for these certain things for the rest of my life? Am I going to wake up one day and realise that it’s no longer even possible? That my whole life was spent on dreaming and nothing else? On feeling empty?

My family, my cat and him are making me happy. I can find peace in the forest as long as the trees can keep the ghosts away from me. But they are there too. It’s impossible to run away from them. Whenever I go they follow. 

U know what else is fking funny? I have experienced things that I am not able to explain. I have tried to for as long as I can remember. Not one day goes by that I don’t try to understand what was that. I thought that maybe I travelled into another dimension and experienced someone else’s life, or maybe it was my own life, maybe a past life. After 11 years I can’t explain. There are no words that could describe the emotions I have experienced. All the years following I have spent analysing it, trying to find answears, trying to feel that way again. It made me the way I am. I was barely 11 years old and it completely changed my brain chemistry forever. I was never the same again.

I have literally touched the stars. I have experienced that kind of love I was never able to feel again. I can’t explained it. And when I lost it I couldn’t bear it. I was depressed for years and trying to fit in and find myself in the real world. 

WHAT WAS IT? WHAT HAVE I EXPERIENCED? I WAS TRYING TO FOR SO LONG TO FIND THE ANSWERS. 

I was 11 years old listening to don’t look back by kissing cousins. 

11 years passed from march 2015 and I can’t explain. Long gone, I just remember… the feeling but I’m not able to feel it anymore.